


Traces of Stars Longed Burned

by Writeonthrough (Schroederplayspiano)



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-07-25
Packaged: 2019-06-16 06:44:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15431295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Schroederplayspiano/pseuds/Writeonthrough
Summary: Brief glimpses into Bellamy’s 2199 days without Clarke.





	Traces of Stars Longed Burned

**Author's Note:**

> When an intended short drabble turns into a poignant tale...

**Day 3**

A jolt wakes him up to an unfamiliar setting. As Bellamy lifts a hand to the neck pain, he readjusts to the dim cell: Clarke’s extraordinary drawings haunt him as much now as they did yesterday when he discovered them.

“Why didn’t you tell me were an artist?”

A beat of silence passes. His gaze darts to the back corner of the cell, where an imagined Clarke smiles sadly at him _. “I told you I liked to draw—once.”_

“There’s liking to draw, and then there’s being an artist. Behind that thoughtful leader you became, you kept an artist locked within your heart, didn’t you?”

“ _Bellamy_ ,” the imagined figure kneels beside him. “ _You can’t stay here. You need to convince people to bond while they wait for the algae. If you don’t bring everyone together now, they’re going to stay in the separate corners for the next five years.”_

“Can we figure it out later? I need a little more time alone.”

“ _Whenever you’re ready.”_

**Day 10**

_“When’s the last time you had water?”_

Bellamy pushes the back of his head against his bedroom wall. “We need to save water.” He rolls his head down where an imaginary Clarke greets him, cross-armed. “I don’t need to tell this. I’m leading with my head—just like you told me—keeping everyone in mind as we wait for algae.”

_“You can’t lead with anything if you are dehydrated and can’t think straight.”_

“I am locked inside my bedroom surrounded with memories of my innocent sister and my dead mother, while I am talking to yet another ghost. I tried bringing the group together like you said but failed miserably. No one can bond when they don’t have enough energy to sit up straight.”

 _“I don’t play the pity game.”_ She points to the door. _“You know there’s another water source on the ring. Find. It.”_

He curls into the bed. “Later _._ ”

 _“Now!”_ A pillow falls on him. _“Right now! Get up!”_

And he does.

**Day 30**

“Dinner’s in five minutes,” he knocks on IT door, pushing it open slightly to find Raven typing away. “You ready?”

“Yeah,” she says absentmindedly, “Yup.” She peers up at him and halts. “You look better.”

“I don’t feel better.”

“Still,” she hobbles off the swivel chair. “I think your walk and talks were a good idea. Not too rigorous and not too deep conversation is a great way to spend our time right now...Where’d you come up with that idea?”

Bellamy gaze drifts to a dark corner of the IT room to find an imaginary Clarke smiling at him with pride. “I was inspired.”

“Oo, well,” Raven starts towards the door. “Can the same inspiration allow us two rations for dinner tonight?”

“No…”

“Oh, come on! Monty’s says the algae growing faster than he thought—”

“We need to save any extra rations—”

“For emergencies. I know.”

“Then why do ask?”

She turns back at him and winks. “Girl’s gotta have fun somehow.”

**Day 71 (2.3 months)**

“I’ll try the algae first,” Bellamy offer is met with group protests.

“Absolutely not,” Monty wins the last word, allowing the group around the table to simmer down.

Harper backs Monty, “We can’t risk anything happening to you.”

“Unlike me, on the other hand,” Murphy interjects grumpily.

Emori reaches out a hand, “John,” she warns.

“I’ll take it,” Raven reaches towards the second algae batch in the center of the table, before she can—

 “Raven!” Monty exclaims, but is too late. She’s already swallowed the first bite.

The group watches her every movement, breathless. Emori counts the seconds in her head, desperately hoping Raven can hold on pass the 30-second mark.

A minute passes, but Raven is the only one that smiles. “We got ourselves some disgusting algae, ladies, and gentleman,” she declares to cheers.

**Day 73 (2.4 months)**

“I left you behind,” Bellamy cries in Clarke’s empty cell. “I left you to die alone…Why did I do that?”

His imagined Clarke appears opposite him, sitting peacefully against the wall. _“You did the right thing. I’m proud of you.”_

“I rather I died with you than be here without you.”

She tilts her head, challenging him. _“You don’t mean that.”_

A tear falls down his cheek. “Yes, I do. At least then, I could have said what I wanted to say and died happy.”

“Bellamy!?!” Raven’s voice booms through the Arc’s juvenile jail, but her call is unheard.

He rather imagines Clarke beaming at him. _“What did you want to say? Say it now.”_

He tilts his head, letting another tear drop. “Don’t you know?”

“Bellamy!” Raven enters the cell breathless. “What the hell are you doing here? Who are you talking to?”

Unable to pull himself from his imaginings, he has no choice but to roll his head against the metal bed frame, his bloodshot eyes revealing the depths of his raw emotions to Raven for the first time.

Suddenly everything falls into place for Raven: who’s cell he found, who she heard him talking to just now, who he’s been talking to when she hears him muttering to himself when he thinks he’s alone, why he offered to try the algae first two days ago…

“Oh, Bellamy,” she rushes into the cell and takes him in her arms. She guides his head to rest on her shoulder and holds him to her as he completely breaks down.

**Day 511 (1.4 years)**

“Pick up a sword, Blake,” Emori calls out Bellamy who has propped himself in a corner. “Get up.”

He half-smirks at her intention to boss him around. “Didn’t I train yesterday?”

“Training’s an everyday thing, buddy.” Emori presses and then turns back to the group audience. “Echo give him your sword.”

Before Echo reaches him, he takes the sword in passing without looking at her. He joins Emori on the mat.

She notices his slumped shoulders and blank expression. “How’s your anger suppression coming along?” She raises her sword to him and he meets it with his own.

“Why would you want me to get angry at you?”  His sword overthrows hers and he steps forward.

“No at me,” she takes a shot at him. He blocks it. “At it.”

He advances on her again. “At what?”

“At the system that forced you to hide your sister,” She meets his blade and strikes again. “And then sent you both to earth and endure senseless bloodshed—some at your own hands.” Bellamy blocks her and holds. She continues, hoping for a rise in him. “At Clarke for dying, at—”

He strikes and misses. “Stop.”

Emori advances and throws more weight behind her attack. “At yourself for not saving her.”

“Emori!” Raven steps forward. “That’s enough.”

She tosses her sword to the mat and shakes her head. “Is it?”

**Day 547 (1.5 years)**

“Murphy?” Raven addresses his eye roll at Bellamy. “Do you have something to add?”

“Other than these group therapies sessions are a waste? Not really.”

Bellamy challenges, “So, you thought it was a waste for you and Raven to work through how you permently injured her leg? Or how I finally forgave you for trying to kill me by hanging?”

Murphy deflects. “If you want these sessions to be useful, Bellamy, you have to actually participate in them.”

“I talk more than anyone here!” Bellamy defends himself. “I’ve said a hundred times—we all have things to answer for.”

“What about Clarke?”

Bottled emotions rise and control his visceral reaction. “What. About. Her?!?”

“Why is it that you ask everyone else to share their issues—but you refuse to deal with your own?”

Raven places a hand on Bellamy’s shoulder to calm him. “Murphy, he’s dealing with it.”

“No, he’s not,” Harper speaks up, surprising everyone. Bellamy finds her sad gaze and loses his fight. “The more time goes on with you refusing to acknowledge there’s a real problem here, the worse it’s going to get.”

“Harper…”

“You have to talk to someone. If you don’t want to talk about it in group, that’s fine, but you have to talk to one of us.”

“Okay,” Bellamy agrees softly.

  **Day 1058 (2.9 years)**

 _“Raven’s gonna be here any second,”_ Bellamy hears Clarke’s voice and looks up to find an imagined Clarke, drawing cross-legged on his windowsill. _“Since you’re still determined to ignore me, I would like to add that you know in your heart it’s a good thing that she wants to take Emori on a spacewalk. It’s your crazy head that’s all worried about it.”_

Bellamy turns from the ghost when he hears footsteps down the hall.

“Okay,” Raven barges into Bellamy’s apartment without knocking. “Let’s go through this again—”

“Raven—”

“I have the final say on all things technical. This me as your second-in-command-co-leader—whatever you want to call it only works if you respect my decisions.”

“I do respect your decisions.”

She scoffs and leans back on her good leg. “Right, just as long as nothing could possibly go wrong.”

Bellamy crosses his arms. “Taking Emori out is an unnecessary risk.”

“I’m training her, so not really. Besides,” she raises her shoulder and smiles. “It’s fun and having fun is important.”

“We can have fun without risking lives.”

“Oh, can we?” She challenges him playfully. “When’s the last time you had any fun?”

“I will have you know,” he leans forward. “Murphy and I totally trashed Pike’s apartment yesterday to really loud, really crappy music…so, that was fun. But hey, anytime you want to take me on a spacewalk to ensure I maximize my fun, I’m all for it.”

Raven nods as if she’s heard his offer before. “Still totally fine risking your own life—just not anybody else’s.” She falls back and starts for the door. “Good to know.”

“Come on,” He follows her. “That’s not what I meant.”

She spins around. “Tell me something—when’s the last time you talked to her?”

Broken cracks emerge on his face. He turns to hide them, catching Clarke still drawing on the windowsill, and leans on a table. “I told you—I stopped talking to her.”

“But you still hear her?”

“Is there a problem I should be aware of?” Bellamy retorts. “Are people still worried about me? Still talking behind my back?”

“No, Bellamy,” Raven promises softly. “That’s really not it.”

“If I agree with you that taking Emori out makes sense, then can you please stop asking me about it?” 

Raven steps closer and whispers, “You know—I’m not Murphy. I wasn’t asking to get something from you. I ask because I care.”

“I know,” he says softly. “But it’s not a problem anymore, so will you stop asking?”

She sighs, “Yeah, Bellamy. I’ll stop asking.”

Once she leaves, he settles himself on the far side of the windowsill, opposite the imagined Clarke.

 _“You made the right decision with Emori,”_ She looks up from her drawing and smiles at him. _“Everything’s gonna be okay. You’ll see.”_

**Day 1350 (3.7 years)**

_“What are you doing in my cell?”_ Clarke appears to Bellamy out of thin air. _“I thought we agreed you weren’t going to come back here.”_

Bellamy makes himself comfortable on the cot, dangling his legs off the edge. “You know what I’m doing here.”

 _“He speaks.”_ She leans against the wall, two feet from him. _“First time in a year that’s happened.”_

“You’re not real,” he snaps and then turns satirical. “And yet, you sound so disappointed.”

“ _If you have something to say, Bellamy, just say it.”_ The ghost crosses her arms.

He blinks, shocked, as if she’s slapped him. “Why are you being mean?”

 _“You promised you would leave me alone.”_ Her soft whisper haunts him. _“I want you to go.”_

“Why?” Bellamy shakes his head. “Why would you ever want that?”

He imagines her soft smile as she moves next to him on the cot. She touches his forehead, whispering, _“You’ve locked me as your conscious here.”_ Lowering her finger to his heart, she continues, _“Now you need to unlock me from here.”_

“No,” He pulls back. “I would never do that.”

She tilts her head at him and he sees a tear fall. He’s never imagined her crying before. _“Bellamy,”_ now it’s not the ghostly whisper that haunts him, but her words. _“If you don’t move on now, you never will. It’s a wise decision, you know—moving on and letting go.”_

Echo’s laugh from yesterday replays in his head. As it does so, the ghost vanishes.

“Clarke?”

 _“Say it.”_ She reappears with her demand, cold and distant. _“Tell me what you always wanted to say to me.”_

His breath catches. Cracks of deep emotion mar his face. The ghost reaches out to smooth them and his last tears for her slide down his cheek. “I loved you. I loved you and I lost you.”  
She smiles warmly at him for the last time. Her ghost fades slowly, returning her spirit to back to the drawings that enchant the cell.

**Day 2007 (5.5 years)**

A white rag dangles in front of his face. Bellamy looks up his book to see Echo waving a symbolic white flag of surrender.

He sighs, closes the book, and leans forward on the common room couch. “Echo…”

“Look, I don’t know how to make-up after our first bad fight,” she cautiously sits next to him. “But I know it’s my fault and I’m sorry.”

His fingers interlace together tightly, trying to hold himself together.

When he does respond, she tries again. “I pushed too far. I knew better.”

Finally, he turns to her. “You did know better,” he says with an edge in his voice. “After everything you saw me go through—why would you bring her up? Much less insist that I talk about her?”

She bites her lip and adjusts her position on the couch. “Apart from our daily gratitude at breakfasts, I haven’t heard you mention Clarke in years, Bellamy. I didn’t realize—,” she stops herself and tries again, softer. “She was such a big part of your life and I never got to know her well. You talk about Octavia all the time.” Echo pauses and resists the urge to touch him. “I was just trying to get to know you better.”

“There’s plenty of ways you can do that,” he tries to release his fingers, instead they hold together tighter. “But Clarke isn’t one of them.”

A wave of defeated sadness comes over her. “I’m never gonna have your whole heart, am I?”

His forehead creases while his eyes reach out to her. “Echo…no one ever has all of someone’s heart—parts of it are saved for family, for friends, for memories, for favorite things. My whole heart isn’t something I can anyone.”

She nods understandingly. Then whispers, “Did you give it to her?”

To that, he has no response.

  **Day 2184 (5.9 years)**

“AHHH! URG!” Raven’s exclamations call Bellamy into the IT room. “Damnit!”

“Raven!” He finds her on a wobbly ladder, holding onto loose wires for support. He rushes to her, steading the ladder before she falls. “What the hell are you doing? Why aren’t you on a ladder without a spotter?”

“I wanted to freak you out,” she starts sarcastically, stomping down each step of the ladder, “And then proceed to hear one of your lectures about how not to risk our lives.” Once back on solid ground, she turns to him, cocking her head. “Because it’s been a while since I’ve heard one and I’ve missed them so much.”

Bellamy rests his hands on his hips. “And you thought you mocking me was a way to avoid hearing one?”

“I was hoping.”

A smile tugs at his lips. She sees it and relaxes, leaning against a mental shelf. The two stand in silence for a minute, comfortable with the silence between them after six years.

“Hoping to find the magic answer for fuel in within a bunch of tangled up wires?”

“Something like that.”

“Hmm…” he nods along. “Any luck?”

“I don’t know…” She drifts off, her gaze returning to the wires and she stares at them in wonderment. “You know, the weirdest thing happened…”

Bellamy pitches his brow. “What?”

“It’s funny, I thought I heard Clarke’s voice on the radio receiver…” Her eyes widen and then she shakes off the thought. “I guess I needed some encouragement...” Turning back to him, she finds empathy in his expression. She smiles softly. “You’re not the only one who relies on Clarke for inspiration, I guess.”

He surprises her by not responding immediately at her name. Instead, he rests against the mental shelf, content just to listen.

“You did an amazing thing with the six of us here. You’re how we survived. You’ve kept us all together, helped us heal, allowed yourself to heal. It’s an extraordinary thing.”

“I couldn’t have done it without her.”

Raven nods, expecting his repetition of the routine saying. As he continues to rest calmly in silence, she seizes the opportunity to say more. “None of us could have done this without her. I would never want to take away from that, but,” she pauses and their eyes meet. “Give yourself some credit, Bellamy. She may be your inspiration, but you’re the one who pulled this off.” Once again, he doesn’t protest as she’s expecting but absorbs the words. “She’d be proud of you, you know.”

He releases the breath he’s been holding. “I hope so.”

“No,” Raven bends some radio wire into a star and places it into his shirt pocket. “I know so.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry (not sorry) for the feels! Loved to hear from you in the comments!


End file.
